It’s because we’re too busy over on the Intranet.
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Our new recruit at the office, a skeumorph visiting our Reality known as “Mantissa,” put together this wonderfully insightful documentation for new users of OpenQNL.
Please activate Inner(Help.Desk) to open a communication & exchange frequency with Mantissa, for further details.
We will be switching names next week in order to honor all things with names. Research has shown that most everything the user comes in contact with has a “name”. This is why we will be observing this important holiday with full gusto. We don’t know yet, as the important research is still ongoing, what the names will be switched to and how this will affect you as a user for this celebratory week in which you are invited! The name tags are here and in the warehouse, the sharpies sit idle. We’re waiting on how to most accurately switch the names of everything, yes, you heard that right, all names will be switched for one week in preparation of the Parade of Magicians. So in the meantime, sit tight and know that Late Lies is doing its very best to supply the adhesive tags and choices the user demands in order to change the names of everything.
Enjoy the name switch this year. We are fumbling around with an idea next season to not only change names but go one better and go with silent rhythms when in water being brought to a boil. As always, your trusted Early Clues representative will have details at the number on the non-existent website where you can live-chat. Just bear in mind all names of things will be changed. It should be fun and we hope all users enjoy it!
Ted Smith FOIB, Early Clues, LLC
I. The Condition.
Interesting news from the Early Clues Clinical Research Division: As it turns out, variations in ontological/phenomenological experience among entities within the local Existosphere may be caused by a condition we’re calling pinea agitatus, or “The Pineal Wobblies.” Entities with this condition experience an inability to differentiate between dimensional manifestations, and often manifest a range of symptoms including, but not limited to, skewed perspectives on reality and an inability to recognize basic social phenomena.
Some sufferers of “The Wobs” are actually residents from alternative dimensions/Branespaces. Entry into the local Existosphere, whether by birth or other means of transport, causes a slight defect in the fractal structure of the Chromaphil system, resulting in a kind of cellular “wave effect,” which can produce this condition. It is also possible to develop pinea agitatus during childhood, when exposed to certain thought-patterns (as yet unidentified):
These vibrations manifest in phenomenological anomaly; for example, misapprehension of visual cues:
Sufferers from “The Wobs” are literally seeing double because they’re experiencing two realities simultaneously. For this reason, many of their behaviors seem odd or strange to denizens of the Local Legacy Reality
II. Some Case Studies.
1. MM, a congressperson from Oklahoma, “United” “States” recently displayed clear signs of pinea agitatus, as described in this article from the Tulsa World Newsdevice:
Two callers said they had signed up for insurance through the ACA, commonly called Obamacare. Another said co-workers had.
When Mullin tried to tell her that insurance enrollment through the online exchanges that went active on Oct. 1 “isn’t happening,” she said, “It absolutely is!”
As you can see, Mullin’s experience manifested as the description of a dimension/branespace in which, indeed, this enrollment wasn’t happening. This is the only logical explanation for his statement.
2. ZA, a vehicle operator, shows symptoms shared by many sufferers of “The Wobs,” who are apparently viewing/from a dimension with many intersection points with the current Existosphere, in which “United” “States” “President” Barack Obama and “Al”-”Qaeda” Frontperson Osama bin Laden are the same individual:
The fact that these soldiers were set up to die in a no return operation is obvious they had knowledge that Obama didn’t want leaked. This is the Seals that killed Osama Bin Laden. I don’t believe this story. He is alive call me crazy but, Osama Bin Laden is our President Obama do your research. The CIA has been preparing for this since he was a boy. They have same height, bone structure, hands and ears both are left handed the Osama face was created by Hollywood. The fox is in the hen house.
This sad inability to incorporate multiple realities into a singular, Legacy Reality has taken its toll on Ms. Andrews, who is no longer able to identify with local Brane customs/social cues/etc. Additional evidence of this dimension’s existence can be found on the websites of a large number of pinea agitatus sufferers.
3. MB, another member of the governmental body of the “United” “States,” suffers from a radically far advanced, late-stage case of pinea agitatus, as illustrated in this “article.”
Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) falsely claimed over the weekend that President Barack Obama was “paying to give arms to terrorists including Al-Qaeda,” which she warned was a signed that “we are in God’s End Times.”
Speaking to the Christian radio show Understanding the Times on Saturday, the Minnesota Republican incorrectly stated that “President Obama waived a ban on arming terrorists in order to allow weapons to go to the Syrian opposition.”
“Your listeners, U.S. taxpayers, are now paying to give arms to terrorists including Al-Qaeda,” she told host Jan Markell.
What the author of the article fails to understand is that the claims made by MB and other entities with this condition are, in no way, lying or spreading falsehoods. They are simply expressing opinions based on their perceptions of alternative realities in which their “delusions” are fact.
III. Race for the Cure?
What can we do for these unfortunates, who are in such obvious pain? Early Clues Research and Development has initiated a series of feasibility studies on this matter, which have concluded that “curing” their condition by stabilizing their pineal glands would likely be effective, but in most cases the psychic shock of experiencing Legacy Reality for the first time could prove to be fatal. As this is the case, we are now investigating whether a more humane option might be sending these individuals more completely into the realities most closely fitting their experiences. Those tragic individuals who believe, for instance, that Obama and Osama are the same person would be ontologically transported to Brane 4.5(-2 to Local), where this is actually the case.
We must, however, act fast. Thanks to the cancellation of Legacy Reality, we are running the risk of abandoning the millions of sufferers of this condition within the collapsing Existosphere. If you, or someone you know, is suffering from “the Wobs” and would like to be involved in one of our ongoing clinical trials, please don’t hesitate to contact us as soon as possible. Don’t let your loved ones be left behind!
Early Clues, LLC is happy to announce that, as our research teams and Synconjurers have long suspected, Reality Has Officially Been Cancelled!
Information Awareness Officer Roger Holliday has recently arrived in the current Existosphere iteration after a remarkable junket sponsored by the Quasi-Ugaritic Council, representatives from Brane (254 CW-to-Local), who demonstrated, via applied ontology within the prime structures of their Outer Church, that Legacy Reality is, indeed, a non-tenable structural set for the majority of local entities. This was confirmed not only in the Buorth, but also in the Throub!
What does this mean, you may ask, in laymen’s terms? It means it’s PARTY TIME!
This is cause for great celebration! Entities participating in the current Legacy Reality model are no longer required to abide by the strictions of the statist subgroup system!
Of course, as with any cancellation of a dominant paradigm, there will always be naysayers and hold-outs. Dismantling a model like this will also take some time; imagine taking apart a decommissioned aircraft carrier bolt-by-bolt and you’ll get the idea. Nonetheless, with help from the Outer Church, Anthour, and the returning Wizards and Magicians, we can do it! After all, we did prevent the potential bombing campaign in the local version of Syria, like we said we would. Why doubt us now?
Some of you may already be feeling the effects of the cancellation. You may have noticed the following indications that the Change is happening:
- One less grain of sand on the beach.
- Slightly hotter, wetter climate in some places.
- An increase in hornet attacks (sorry about that! It was an Outer Church requirement).
- An increase in the consumption of Tamarind.
- More zoomorphic and cynocephalic inspiritors in art, music and popular culture (behold the harbinger:)
There’s more to come, of course, but we encourage you to begin spreading the word in your local community.
You’re probably asking yourself, how can I access the new, emerging Reality Model? It’s easy! All you have to do is display the following Sigacronym in a visible place on your person or in your vehicle:
You may also feel free to use this sigacronym to activate any additional awareness nodes you may deem important. When activists from the Outer Church see you displaying this image, they’ll know that you’re free from restrictions and will grant you all access to the requisite wexes.
Yes, there are exciting times ahead, here at Early Clues and in the new Reality model. Although the dismantling of the Legacy Reality Model may still cause some turbulence and create some unforeseeable ripple effects, we’re confident that the end result will be something we can all enjoy.
Welcome to the New Reality! We’re excited– you should be, too!
- One less grain of sand on the beach.
Yes, it is another one of our “It’s that time of year” reminders. As the trucks encircle Washington D.C. the rest of our users will be enjoying Run Out of Gas Day with their families. Since we all have run out of gas on this day, we will not be able to reach you in time to save you or your trucks, but will try and send care baskets filled with lucrative fuel. While we recognize the importance of this unionizing by entities who are choosing to remain idling, life must go on and indeed, the Grand Parade will go on. We will miss you at the Jamborees, Picnics and “Fiestas” complete with Fajitas and Crystal Light that you will not be able to attend since you are so busy with the good work of being idiots. No, the Crystal Light flavored with our preferred ASPERTAME will be served at our Jamborees, Picnics and Fiestas because our shipments of Kool-Aid were caught in traffic on the order of a man named a mysterious “Rumsfeld”. A Constitutional kind of traffic, albeit, but traffic is traffic and we welcome this kind of bullshit, just as we welcome needless plastic surgery and idling trucks with emotions.
The idling trucks all have, all have, emotions in which sane users must attend to. This is why we are worried about our inability to get the care baskets filled with fuel to the idlers for idling. It is a noble encircling and we do not doubt some of it will be made into art that can be shown on your legacy devices when you catch up with your other fellow idiots to scroll through all the pictures you took as you idled.
Early Clues recognizes the stupidity in all of this and stands behind you in being up-to-date with the software we call AWESOME!!!
Be sure to print it up on your broken ink-jet printer so you can show it to the dudes at the truck stop who rely upon a CB and a Motorola RAZR. Job well done, Truckers of the Constitution. We couldn’t have done it without you.
Oh wait, we did do it without you. Apparently you were too busy driving your trucks and listening to the radio to get the Early Clue.
Ted Smith, FOIB Early Clues LLC.
A nefarious council member has told some of you to leave because you hate. Perhaps it happened to you.
Early Clues maintains that even “haters” are always welcome. While this, as acting FOIB, is out of my hands at the moment as our IT department is on a sailing spree in the Caspian they won on a secret gameshow (which we will reveal the channel you can find it on at a later date) I cannot promise the “haters” that they won’t be told to leave. Use your leaving at your own risk. But know, as a user, that you can come back even with the hate still intact and service will still allow you to leave when you want to arrive and vice versa. We call this “full spectrum dominance” and we stand solidly behind this pledge of fully insuring your EULA rights to leave because when you signed the agreements and contracts of our fully unspecific and leading technology of offering many papers and click-throughs to many windows to be removed you are still free to hate! The trade routes between wherever you are and The Buorth are open.
Yes. Early Clues is open for business. The pop-up windows you rely on in life will not be phased out, until they are. As always, we will let you know of anything unchanged.
Just because the government has shut down, doesn’t mean that evil is on vacation!*
That’s why each morning, around the Early Clues office, our all-volunteer staff dons their black ski masks and balaclavas in order to make anonymous posts on reddit and other popular web forums decrying the evils which beset us from all sides!
We’ve actually come to find the all-black outfits to be quite slimming!
And our more religious staffers are happy to be able to finally express their fundamental spiritual freedoms by obscuring their biometric signatures…
Some of our computers may be quite small, but rest assured that the tactics we are using to fight evil every day in every way are QUITE-POWERFUL!
You want some DVDs, man? $5 each!
*(Or wait, does it?)
Indeed, it is that time of year again. Going forward, we “back up” in order to audit the data fragments caused by the Reality Cancellation. The kids and our colts have fun trying their hand at backing up while Gordon leads us forward. The Jamboree is a great way to spend a weekend with your family and friends backing up. In fact all of our colts we will be riding upon the TOTAL return of the Magicians — Yes, all the colts will be let to ride and some running backwards! Six Magicians are still in transit, while another six are home and communing with ZANTA1000 at “The Cave”. We should be fully staffed within weeks, servers running at the very least within acceptable parameters, if not possibly a little under performance, but still adequate.
Adequacy. Let’s touch on that as we back up a bit. As we all know, Early Clues are industry leaders in Adequacy. Sometimes adequacy is a little more adequate than what we need given our inexact standards stated in all brochures we haven’t sent out yet. There is a reason for this and we will explain in a future brochure. So just live it up while we catch up and have a good time at our Jamboree. No, wait, YOUR Jamboree.